Cass’ Rx: Self-Love, Attachment Styles, and Dating Delusions in Modern Romance

#22: In this solo episode, Cassandra dives deep into the realities of modern dating. Reflecting on her recent experience with a seemingly perfect match, she shares powerful insights on self-love, attachment styles, and the delusions we create while searching for "the one."

Explore the highs and lows of dating apps, the challenges of chasing fantasies, and the importance of balancing vulnerability with authenticity. Cassandra unpacks the red flags we ignore, the role of validation in relationships, and how to prioritize meaningful connections in the digital dating age.

If you’ve ever felt stuck in a dating rut, struggled with attachment issues, or found yourself drawn to surface-level traits over deeper connections, this episode is for you. Tune in for raw advice, relatable stories, and a fresh take on navigating love in today’s world.

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Chapters

• 0:19 Self-Love and Dating Realities
• 13:38 Love and Self-Worth in Relationships
• 31:03 Self-Love, Boundaries, and Trust
• 46:23 Innovative Dating App Sponsorship Impact

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:20

Hey guys, welcome to In the Lobby podcast. Today you just have your girl cast in the lobby, rogers doing his own thing, and I wanted to start doing solo episodes, kind of on topics that each of us wanted to focus on a little bit more of. I think solo episodes are a little bit tough because you really have to put yourself out there and share a lot of yourself, and this kind of came up on the last episode that we did with Jane, who is one of my best friends. I adore her. It was such a beautiful episode and we were asking her a bunch of questions and she kind of threw an uno reverse and started asking about my love life and I was really hesitant to start talking about it because there are certain things that I want to share with you guys and then there are certain things I'm so cautious about sharing, and one of those is like the personal details of my dating life, just because I am single and I don't want to put myself in a position where I'm dating people and then they think that if something happens it's going to be content that's shared on the podcast. But I really felt when she called me out on this that I wasn't being true to myself and being in touch with myself if I wasn't sharing my story and really putting myself out there with like how I actually feel, what's going on in my world. And so that's why I'm sitting down today and I was like making episode notes and I was like what do I want to call this episode? And I was going to have it be about like self love and kind of seeing beyond the surface of someone you're dating or someone you're talking to. But what I realized and I think we'll see what happens but the real title should be something like you are hotter in my delusion, and that's kind of the topic of the episode is like self love and relationships and how we can kind of get in our own mind and create our own idea of who we think someone is versus who they actually are and how self love kind of plays into all of that and self love plays into relationships in general. So, to take it away, I'm just going to kind of tell this story of a guy who I became really infatuated with. I really thought he was like my prince charming.

Speaker 1: 3:41

As many of you guys know, I'm obsessed with books. I love reading, I love fiction, I love Harry Potter Fantasy. I was huge into Twilight and that always like reminds me of my inner child and I think kind of the reoccurring theme with these books are these kind of dark, mysterious men who are a little bit morally gray, but in the end of the book they always like turn out becoming a good guy, almost like Beauty and the Beast, right, like the Beast was a monster, and then Belle kind of turns him into this prince charming, which I think a lot of women do try to do, this like fixer type situation. So anyway, I had been single for a little bit at this point and I had just gone through a back surgery which was traumatic, you know, and it was a good reset for me because I really had to show up and take care of myself, you know, in a healing way, physically also, like mentally, emotionally. I quit drinking, I had to get back into working out again. So I had a lot of healing that was going on and what I thought was a lot of self love. So when I met this person Originally, I felt that I was at a place with myself where I was fully in love with myself.

Speaker 1: 5:41

You know, like I thought I had gotten to that point, which there really never is, that point that you get to of self-love. So I felt really ready to put myself back out there, and the only way I know how to do that in today's world of dating was the dating apps, which I fucking hate. Dating apps it was like I can't remember. I think it was Bumble Bumble. I put myself back on, and I think the one thing to note is I'm very picky and particular about what I look for in a man, and I've talked about that with Roger on the podcast.

Speaker 1: 6:33

I have very clear goals of what I want my future to look like, and that encompasses what my partner looks like or acts like, or his job, in a lot of different ways as well, and so I'm going to make fun of myself multiple times about this on the podcast, but always step one is tall. Maybe my expectations are a little too high with that one, but on my dating apps I always I'm going to get so much hate for this. I always set the filter to like 6'3", 6'4" plus, and so, anyway, there was one guy I matched with on the dating apps and he was like 6'4". He was like tall, dark and handsome I would say my ideal man like stereotypical, look wise, would be like Clark Kent, and he kind of met you know the demographic of what I find attractive in a guy from a physical standpoint and even just looking at his pictures on Bumble, he looked very like GQ, like he dressed nice, it looked like he traveled around, was well traveled. I think he even said something you know he wants like a trophy Pilates wife or something like that on his dating profile. Y'all know that's right up my alley as well and the thing that really stood out to me was that on his profile it said something about being involved with Amazon. Like he was an entrepreneur who had his own company doing something in the kind of e-commerce world and being someone who had been an entrepreneur specifically selling products on Amazon at a really young age and felling at it, I was like fuck, yes, this is so cool.

Speaker 1: 8:50

I'm always so drawn to men who are entrepreneurs not just the ones that claim that they're entrepreneurs, but the men that actually show up and are building something is so fucking hot to me, like swoon. So I saw that and, like I said, very specific. So obviously I swiped right for him, didn't really think anything of it Just when I was swiping. I was being intentional of the type of men that I was looking for. So you know, I think we messaged a little bit back and forth and nothing really came of it, like we never met up or anything.

Speaker 1: 9:41

And I think it was around the new year and around the new year I went to Miami with my cousin to celebrate. And my cousin's beautiful. We look a little bit similar like blonde, tall. You know, we have some good genes, if I might say so myself, and she's a beautiful woman and just like so confident in herself. So, being around her in Miami, I watched her approach men and you know she would take the first step forward and approach them and be like so outgoing and open to being seen by these men that she was interested in that. I really took notes from that because it was working out well for her and I was like if she can shoot her shot and have the confidence to do it, I certainly can do it as well.

Speaker 1: 10:45

So you know, it was the new year, a new start. I had just gotten back from Miami. I was feeling like a little bit lonely and I was like I really want my person but, like I said, I'm specific. So I was like fuck it. And I went to Instagram because I had started following him on Instagram and I sent him a DM and I was like, hey, I think you should take me on a date this year, which, you know, I kind of love that for myself. I don't think there's anything wrong with that. We've even had guests say they started dating their significant other because she was a female and she shot her shot. Shout out, matthew, I owe me. He was on here. His girlfriend is a badass. She did that. Props to her. And he messaged me back pretty quick and he was like hey, cass, like that's really sweet, but I'm actually not interested in dating this year. I'm trying to focus on my business. And even that I think like a light bulb went off in my head because I'm like, damn, this is so inspiring that this man is so focused on his business and his career, and I feel like you find that so often where someone has that goal oriented focus on where they want to be, and I just was so fascinated with him being an entrepreneur that I think I just messaged him back and said something about oh, that's cool, you know, like what do you do in the e-commerce space, because I used to play in it as well.

Speaker 1: 12:40

Long story short like the man ends up calling me, we talk for three hours. The first time we talked on the phone and I remember even then hanging up and being like wow, because I don't talk to people on the phone for three hours? Like, just like his time is important. As an entrepreneur, my time is important too, and I just thought it was so beautiful that just even over a phone call, we had that type of connection. And so, you know, that happened and it turned out like a few weeks later we ended up going on a date and you know he came and picked me up and we went and had coffee and I remember the first time, sitting in his car and making eye contact, and I still remember this moment.

Speaker 1: 13:39

I just looked into his eyes and I felt something and like they say that like love at first sight isn't real or anything, but I just looked at him and it was like this knowing feeling, like I felt like I had known this person for a long time. It was so bizarre but with him being like so successful, there was like this little girl inside of me that felt like I needed to prove my worth to this man for whatever reason, and I don't know why I didn't think I was good enough or whatever, but I just felt like I had to be on my A game with him. Like I really looked at him as like top 1% of men in every aspect, like career focused, tall, probably made you know over X amount of money, just a lot of things that I don't think you find very often. So with him I always wanted to put my best foot forward and show up as the best version of me as possible, but I feel like we all do that anyway. When you first meet someone, you're always gonna put your you know your best foot forward.

Speaker 1: 15:05

And it was scary for me hanging around him, because dating guys that looked like him and were tall wasn't new to me, but dating someone that had drive, like that was, and you know, I kind of had some concerns just right off the bat. I'm like a guy like this can have any woman he wants is a thing that I kept telling myself, not remembering that a woman that looks like this can have anyone she wants, right. So kind of forgetting that self love piece even then and putting him a little bit more on the pedestal than myself, and I do believe that women should always be on the pedestal. I think that men should pursue you. Being a woman is so beautiful and if the men pursue us, we will give you everything you know. So it's, I believe it's for men to pursue, and so I was kind of leaning with that mindset and things were moving really slowly with him, but I was trying to let him do the pursuing with me, and so we went on our first date and we just aligned on so many things. Like we went around Austin, like looking at homes, which that's something I love to do.

Speaker 1: 16:48

Being big into manifesting is like looking at homes that I could like potentially live in and seeing what my life would look like. And he said something to me about like all he wanted was like to have Christmas and like be sitting on the couch with his family with a Christmas tree. And I feel like my heart just like stopped because it's like everything that I ever wanted, like the same thing, and I don't know I just was so invested in this in almost like an unhealthy way, like there were like weeks that went by where we wouldn't see each other and I just kept focusing so hard on myself and I would just like work harder at the gym and I would write little sticky notes of like self love and look in the mirror because I feel like finding him and finding what I thought was everything I wanted. It really was like looking in the mirror and making sure that I like was showing up as the best version of myself. So there was something really beautiful about me, just like pushing, pushing, pushing myself to show up and encompass that.

Speaker 1: 18:14

But there was another piece to that. That was like this game playing, where we would go like a few weeks without talking and I would play the game. But what I was truly doing was like kind of suppressing my emotions and my emotional needs with this person. And I don't think that's self love okay, it definitely is not. Let me tell you, it did not feel good. It felt like I was like a bottle that you shake of soda, just like ready, ready, so ready to just like implode. And so when he finally did ask me out again, I was so excited because I had been playing the game.

Speaker 1: 19:04

But all I wanted to do was see him in person and we ended up going to this like masquerade ball together and I drank a little bit too much at the masquerade ball and I feel like all of my hesitations towards this man just came up right away. Like being around him, I really believe that I'm very intuitive and can fill energy and I mean I was dressed to the tens at this masquerade ball, like beautiful ball gown, like crystal mask, like I'm really tall. I know that I looked really well dressed and I was there with this man and I felt his energy shift. When another woman walked in, I just felt his energy go to her and I sensed right away I was like something's going on there, and so what ended up happening is he spent about 20 minutes talking to this woman while I was interacting with some other people and I just I lost it. I got to the point where I felt like my energy wasn't being respected. I wasn't being respected.

Speaker 1: 20:33

It was so soon in the beginning of this. I was like I'm putting a boundary in place. This is not how I want to be treated, and I literally contemplated getting an Uber and, just like Irish, exiting, not saying bye and just going home. But I think when I tried to do that, I walked out the door and he saw that I was trying to leave. So he came over and talked to me and it's not to say that he necessarily did anything wrong. It was, more so a hard boundary for me, cause I don't want that in my relationship. I don't even though I want a man that's like successful. I don't want someone that needs his ego fed and needs multiple women, and so it was a choice for me to walk away, even if there was some alcohol involved.

Speaker 1: 21:34

And, you know, those suppressed emotions just kind of came up at that point. It was weird too, because I always think about this because we were standing outside the venue of this masquerade ball and we're both wearing masks and I was looking at this person, cause at this point, I had already developed really deep and I was like I'm gonna go and get a mask, I'm gonna get a mask. I was like I'm gonna get a mask, I'm gonna get a mask. I was like I'm gonna get a mask and cause, at this point, I had already developed really deep feelings for this person. We had spent hours talking on the phone, getting to know each other like hours, and there's something cool about that, because it almost felt like a love is blind situation, because this man had not even touched my body, but I felt like he had touched my soul because I felt that emotional, intellectual connection with him. And then when we went outside and I was telling him how I felt about him talking to that woman and putting his attention there it wasn't even out of a place of insecurity it was me telling him look, I feel a lot of feelings for you and this is how I feel about you. And I feel like he was looking back at me with, like, a mask on and he was wearing a mask. But it's not even that. It was like there was no vulnerability or expression there. And that's when I realized that maybe this person is not emotionally available. And that was tough, like I really, and even in that moment I felt like I had broken my own heart for putting someone on the pedestal, creating a fantasy of this person in my head, and I just went home and bawled my eyes out and cried and it was terrible because I felt so much care for this person because of myself, because I was choosing to care about this person, that it was devastating to me and I think that just even I just wanted to share that story because it kind of ties, like how self love like influences our romantic relationships, because I don't feel like with this person I didn't fall for him because I was lonely. It was like I saw the good in him. I truly saw the good in him.

Speaker 1: 24:33

And there's this saying about how you shop at the grocery store when you're hungry right Like, you'll put anything in your cart so you'll buy the Skittles and the M&Ms and the chocolate, the ice cream. If you're me and you're not putting the healthy stuff, like you'll just take whatever is there. And I think that relates to love as well. Right Like, if you're starving, you're gonna take some half ass love. Or if you're for me, at that time I was blocking out all these other guys that were trying to date me and I was putting my focus on one. But when you're doing that and you're only getting, your source is one source, right Like.

Speaker 1: 25:24

It's like shopping at the grocery store when you are hungry and I don't think it was because I was lost or anything with this person it's like I said, I saw the good in him, but the good was already inside of me and I mean it kills me because I spent so much time when I was waiting for his love or his affection or his attention, writing these sticky notes and putting them on my mirror, like the affirmations and stuff. And I think the mirror and we've talked about the mirror on this podcast before it's such a reflection. Anytime you're seeing someone, the good you see in them is the good that's in you. So for me, this person there was like this. I looked at him with such awe because he had accomplished everything with his business that I felt like I had felt to do in certain ways, and I just think I was so fascinated by the fact that he was like an entrepreneur and could accomplish these things. But there's no reason that I can't do the same right, like the same thing is inside of me. So it was such a learning moment for me just to put myself back on the pedestal and show up for myself.

Speaker 1: 26:59

I do think the good thing from this situation is I pushed myself hard right, and when I was pushing myself hard, what I was doing accidentally was becoming this even greater version of myself, like fitter, eating healthier, dressing better, doing my makeup better. So it ended up being a slight version of self-love within itself and I mean I think there are some like misconceptions even around self-love, because loving yourself is not narcissistic. And I've had this own struggle with myself lately because I feel really good about me and how I've been showing up in the woman that I've become, and I've started to share that a little bit more with the world. I've been making these little reels of myself and sharing them on my Instagram. I obviously put myself out there with my podcast and sometimes I'll have these like fleeting thoughts. I'm like are these people like thinking that I'm just like obsessed with myself and like a narcissist, putting my face everywhere? And I'm like loving yourself? If you don't love yourself, like who's gonna be your own cheerleader? So I just started like putting myself out there and being the woman that I want to be, and not everyone's gonna like that and that's okay.

Speaker 1: 28:43

I think the other thing I wanted to talk about, like whether it's in relationships or dating, is there's like a perception versus reality play. That kind of can happen and I think you know I know we do this as women. Sometimes we fantasize who we think someone is without knowing their true colors, and I was telling my mom this story the other day because a lot of the guys that I end up liking are a little bit off Because I'm almost like a sapiosexual and I'm really really like into people's, like mental, emotional. So sometimes I'm just like really attracted to like these nerdy kind of weird guys because they're more interesting to me. And then I feel like what happens is, when I'm attracted to these nerdy like kind of dork guys, when they see that I've fallen into their trap and that they've got me, I think it's like this ego thing where they're like oh, I got her, now I wanna go see who else I can get. And I'm like yo, you're just a nerd that I became fascinated with. Just because it worked on me Doesn't mean it's gonna work for everyone. So I just thought that was funny, because that's what I was telling my mom. But all that really plays into is I think some people will take that and feed their ego. And how I take it is how I perceive you and how you're seen through my eyes, which is what's really so beautiful about the situation. And so I think it's tough, because I hope I didn't fantasize this person.

Speaker 1: 31:04

I do a vision board and a lot of the things that I wanted on my vision board were very similar things to what this person wanted. Like I do not want an average life, I want an immaculate life and I want to build something with someone that is so beautiful and just even the fantasy of Disney princesses or morally gray men like Christian gray or vampires or whatever it's like. If you love someone and you want to build this really beautiful life, it really can be a fairy tale. If both of you are showing up and choosing that and you know, like for me, maybe on that vision board there's like a home, but like a really beautiful home and like children and like a husband who like dresses nice and traveling and just this life that's like so much greater than so. I really felt like this person and I could do that together and I think it was the first time I really felt like that way about someone.

Speaker 1: 32:45

And there's this weird I'm weird with eye contact, but I felt like if, when I look at this person, it's like I almost didn't want to pull my eyes away. I recognized this person. I recognized their energy, not only their energy, like the essence of this person and not just the shell, you know. And spending hours and hours talking on the phone with this person I think allowed us both to get to know each other really well, and I think that's what being loved is. Being loved is being known right, like whether it's my middle name, which is Cassandra Jean, or the fact that I play with my hair a lot, or I cover my mouth because I giggle way too much and way too uncontrollably, or the fact that I drink so many milligrams of caffeine that I should be having a heart attack. But if I'm sad, it's the one thing that's gonna make me happy and put me in a better mood. And like it's so beautiful to be seen by someone and they know all these little things, whether it's the little freckles on your shoulder or when you're having a bad day, it's beautiful. That's what love is.

Speaker 1: 34:11

But you wanna fall in love with someone who wants you back too at the same time, someone who waits for you and someone who loves your wild right. And I was trying to put my best foot forward. But there's this really beautiful chaotic side of me. One of my best friends even calls me like a wild horse, and I think it's like that Sagittarius, fire sign, energy, and I really relate to fire in a lot of ways, because I am soft and I am sweet, but I am also fucking fierce and that's how I think about a flame and a fire. And I don't want someone that just loves me for the facade right Of Barbie doll, stepford wife. Even if I want to look that way appearance-wise, there's still like this messiness inside of me, like I'm not a perfect robot. So I want someone who loves my wild as well.

Speaker 1: 35:34

And I think what's hard is because I was a little bit lost, because I was holding space for this person, because I didn't understand how I could feel this way about someone and them not feel the same way, because in my 29 years of life it's not that easy to find people that think the same way as you, want the same things and want to build something almost identical to the way that you do. But I got to a point where I was sacrificing my self-love and my boundaries and it's like you can give people some space, because no one's perfect right and I think that's fair. So it's like giving people grace while kind of removing yourself from their dysfunction, because if they don't know what they want, there's no reason for you to sit there. Because I even did a really vulnerable thing with this person. I looked at them and I said I love you and it felt kind of crazy to say that, but you know it's more just like I love you. But I see the inconsistency of your decisions and I can't handle my life that way, like I'm too old to be Playing games.

Speaker 1: 37:20

So I've had to set a boundary in that situation and I think Boundaries can protect our well-being while still allowing for compassion and empathy, because I have a really hard time with this, like I don't want to ever shut someone out who's Hurting, and you know I'll think to myself well, it's not really hurting me, but when I'm suppressing my emotions, I don't think I'm being good to myself. You know, and I think that's just part of the whole thing is trusting the process and self-love and seeing beyond the fantasy and relationships in general. Is Trusting the process right? Because I cry about this all the time, like I'm gonna be dead serious. I cry about it all the time.

Speaker 1: 38:18

I have so many things in my life that I've wanted and worked out the way that I've worked really hard to have them, whether it's my career or my fitness. But I can't control a partner, right? Like I found someone who I thought was perfect for me and they're choosing to not love me back and that sucks and that is so fucking out of my Control. So all I can do is trust the process and know that I think God has my back and I always say this and I say this you know, when I've had Old girlfriends that tried to steal someone I was dating, I really don't give a fuck, because whatever is meant for me is meant for me and whatever is not meant for you will pass you by right. And I think if the other thing too, and this kind of fucked me up in this situation is, if it is worth it, it will come back. And I felt like this man came back around and I thought that this time he was actually gonna not drop the ball and that's not what happened.

Speaker 1: 39:43

So I've had to choose To be there for myself, to pour that love back into myself and put myself back on the pedestal. And it's not always easy, because sometimes I think to myself how am I gonna find this again? And you know I know I will, because I have faith that my life is gonna get so much better than when it even is. It's like that vision board fairy tale. I'm showing up as a woman on that board, so I'm sure that my life is gonna align that way as well, and I want to do another episode on that as well just around self love, because not even just self love, but just showing up for yourself.

Speaker 1: 40:41

And self care, because I and I want to do another episode on that and just like self care, because, looking at my vision board, I became the woman that I wanted to be and that's what I can control, and there's so many things that you can do with like Self love, self care, to get yourself to that point, and I really want to talk about how I did that. So I'm gonna do an episode on that as well. But, yeah, I just want to remind you that you know you can have so much self love and pour into yourself and do all of the good things and self care, and but if you're not having boundaries and you're not protecting yourself, then you're not showing yourself self love. And anytime you feel yourself sway off the pedestal, just remember to put yourself back on, because it's you can't do anything Until you have yourself on the pedestal, whether that's finding your partner showing up in a relationship. You have to pour into your cup first. So I'm gonna do a little bit of self care, and then I'm gonna show you how to do that.

Speaker 1: 42:03

So I think the thing to take away is true connection begins with love and understanding ourselves and just stay curious and keep evolving. And I know that there's a couple of books that have really helped me, just not only dealing with this process but In general, and one of them is breaking the habit of being yourself by Dr Joe Dispenza, really well-known book, but I think it's so profound for manifestation and remembering that we're just made up of atoms and atoms are energy and you can shift your energy at any time, whether it's to shift your energy for self-love, relationships, manifesting, getting that vision board accomplished. And then the other one is attached by a mere Levine and this one, you know, really plays into attachment styles. You know which there's like an anxious attachment style and that's someone who needs a lot more attention when being pursued in a relationship. And then there's an avoidant and that's someone who kind of pulls away more when you show affection. And then there's just, I think I don't know what the middle ground is, but there are people who are neutral and have just like a healthy attachment style.

Speaker 1: 43:46

But for me, in this, my journey with this situation ship, I danced around with this idea a lot because I was like is this person that I'm interested in? Is he just an avoidant attachment style? And even that I was trying to hold space for. But I should have put up my boundaries quicker. And I think this book does help us for those situations when you do feel like someone pulls away when you're Showing your emotions, and it also helps you kind of understand what type of Attachment style you are like. For me personally, it's weird like I feel like the one person when I really like Focus on one person. I'm such an anxious attachment style and I'm not even sure they see it. I just internalize it with like all these thoughts. And then I found with the other men that I'm just more casually dating. I'm very avoidant. So it's such, a such an interesting book just trying To understand yourself and your attachment style. So I highly recommend and, like I said, this one's.

Speaker 1: 45:06

This one was difficult for me to do, just Putting myself out there and sharing this story and knowing that he might hear it. I put a lot of things on myself as well in terms of Wanting to be a high value woman and what that looks like, and I beat myself up so many times Thinking that, like high value women have like no social media presence. They don't share anything, they don't put themselves out there. But I think I would be doing a disservice to the world if I didn't share my story, which is my form of art, and so I'm just gonna keep doing that and I think there's something beautiful about me being able to Share myself with the listeners, with you guys, and put myself out there. So I think that's gonna wrap up this episode. But he was definitely a hotter in my Toulouse Roger's not here so I can't have him say it's going down, but you guys know every Thursday it's going down.

Speaker 1: 46:24

You know I'm really thankful, too, that our podcast is sponsored by Thursday dating app, which is a dating app that is so unconventional because it gets you the fuck off dating apps. And you know, every Thursday there's events going on in Austin At different bars locations I think last week was at the cauldron but you get to go and meet people in person, which I feel like is really Beautiful and something I'm passionate about. So I just have to say thank you to our sponsors, not only for sponsoring the podcast but for Changing the dating scene in Austin, because the dating scene here needs some help and some love. Anyways, you guys know where to stalk us. It's at in the lobby pod on Instagram and TikTok. We also have the full video episodes on YouTube, which is really cool to watch. You can see my crazy facial expressions because I have no fucking poker face. And then you can follow my personal Instagram at pain in my cast, because I'm always your favorite pain in the ass. So I appreciate you guys listening. Bye.